The Xmen Present: The Nutcracker
by Chellerbelle
Summary: The story of The Nutcracker and the Mouse King, X-men style. Includes cast and narrator commentary. Just for laughs.


**AN: **

_The Nutcracker and the Mouse King_ was requested by:

Acherlyn  
rogueslove22  
fergnerd  
My Beautiful Ending  
DevilishBea-Anime-Couple-Lover

* * *

It was Christmas Eve, and the Howlett's annual Christmas party was soon to commence. Before it began, James and Ororo gave out presents to their three children; Jean, Marie and Kurt.

* * *

"Who's James Howlett?" asked Logan.

**Umm, that would be you, Logan.**

"It is?"

**Yeah. That memory loss is a bitch, huh?**

* * *

Jean, the eldest, was delighted when she opened her present and found a beautiful new dress. She hurried off to try it on.

Kurt, the youngest, received a toy soldier to add to his collection, and immediately sent him off to battle.

Finally, Marie was given a doll, who she named Kitty.

* * *

"What kind of doll am I?" asked Kitty. "A barbie doll? A porcelain doll? A cabbage patch doll?"

"You're an action figure," said Gambit.

* * *

Not long after Jean returned in her gorgeous new dress, than the guests began to arrive. Marie and Kurt were quite occupied with their new presents and paid the adults that arrived very little mind. Still, when they began to dance, Marie couldn't help but feel a little twinge of jealously when she saw Jean dancing with her boyfriend, Scott.

* * *

"What you jealous for, chere?" Gambit asked. "I'm a hundred times the man he is."

"I think it's more of a have/have not thing," Rogue replied. "The thing being 'boyfriend' as opposed to 'Scott'."

"I feel so loved," Scott said dryly.

Jean chuckled.

* * *

The party was interrupted part way through by a cloud of smoke and a few crackers. Then, in the centre of the room, appeared Jean, Marie and Kurt's godfather, Hank. The guests applauded as the inventor and clockmaker made his bow.

Hank had with him a number of presents for his godchildren, including a clockwork castle with a number of mechanical people. The castle was put on a table, and although Marie and Kurt watched for a time, the people just did the same things over and over, and they soon got bored with it.

* * *

"Kids these days," Hank said.

All the adults chuckled knowingly.

* * *

The mechanical castle was not the final present. One more gift remained; a nutcracker in the shape of a man, with eyes of red and black.

Jean was far more interested in Scott, but Marie took great delight in cracking nuts with him. Kurt saw what was happening, and made the unfortunate mistake of putting a walnut into the nutcracker's mouth. The walnut was too hard, and broke the nutcracker's teeth instead.

* * *

"Kurt," Gambit said sternly, "I don't want you sticking your walnuts into my mouth ever again."

"Yeah, sorry about breaking your teeth, man," Kurt replied.

* * *

"Kurt!" Marie exclaimed in horror. "You broke him! How could you? You always ruin everything!"

"There, there, my dear," said Hank over the top of Kurt's protests. "I'll come over tomorrow and fix him for you. In the meantime, would you like to hear the story of the nutcracker?"

"Sure," Marie replied.

"Once upon a time, in a kingdom, far, far away there lived King John, Queen Wanda and their daughter, Princess Amara..."

* * *

"Hear that, Wanda?" said Pyro. "We got married and have a daughter."

Wanda shook her head in disdain while Pyro patted his lap and beamed at Amara.

"Come and sit on daddy's lap," he said.

"And you just went from 'weirdo' to 'creep' in one fell swoop," said Amara.

Wanda laughed.

* * *

"One day, Mystique, Queen of the Mice, invaded the kitchen of the royal palace with all her subjects, and they ate everything up," Hank went on. "King John was furious, and called for the royal inventor, Hank, to catch all the mice."

"Hank?" Marie repeated. "That's your name."

"How very observant of you."

* * *

"All hail the Mouse Queen!" Toad said.

He bowed down in front of Mystique, laughing all the while.

* * *

"So Hank made lots of mouse traps and caught all the mice, until there were only two left: Mystique, and her husband, Victor."

* * *

"All hail the Mouse King!" Toad said.

He began to bow down in front of Sabretooth, but Sabretooth only had to growl at him to send him scurrying behind the lounge.

* * *

"Mystique was deeply angered by the deaths of her subject, so as punishment, she cursed Princess Amara with ugliness," Hank continued. "King John and Queen Wanda were deeply distraught, and commanded the inventor to find a way to cure their daughter. After weeks of searching, he finally found an answer: Princess Amara had to eat the Crackatook nut, which must be cracked by a man who had never shaved nor worn boots, and he must give the kernal to the Princess without opening his eyes, and then take seven steps backwards without stumbling. The Crackatook nut was easy enough to find, and the King put out a notice that any man who succeeded in restoring his daughter would have her hand in marriage."

* * *

"Again with the marrying off," Rogue muttered. "Why must princesses always be treated like chattel?"

"Well, really royalty in general get a raw deal," said Kitty. "They're always getting bossed around by their own servants and stuff, and it's not like they've chosen to be royalty."

"I can attest to that," Gambit said cheerfully. "They tried marrying me off for an alliance."

"You're not really royalty," Kitty said.

"I'm a prince of thieves."

"A self-proclaimed prince of thieves."

"They still tried marrying me off."

* * *

"And so men from all over the kingdom and even other kingdoms came to try their luck, but each and every one of them broke their teeth trying to crack the Crackatook nut," Hank said. "Finally, after a long line of men had broken their teeth, Hank's own nephew, Remy, appeared at the front of the line. Although Hank was initially concerned for the future of Remy's teeth, his nephew succeeded in cracking the Crackatook nut."

* * *

"Wait a second," Remy said. "I don't think that's possible."

"Why's that?" asked Rogue.

"Well, the man in question was supposed to have never shaved, nor have worn boots," Remy said, and stroked his chin. "Now, while I can attest to the non-shaving part, I think it's safe to say that I've worn boots."

**Yes, but your character hasn't.**

"I don't know," said Remy, looking down at his metallic boots. "These look like boots to me."

"Why are you arguing this?" Rogue asked, amused. "It's just a story."

"I'm looking for some authenticity here," Remy replied.

**Authenticity, my cute Aussie butt. You just want to be annoying.**

"That too."

**Fine. Let's see you try this one for size... excuse me while I press the 'rewind' button.**

* * *

_"King John and Queen Wanda were deeply distraught, and commanded the inventor to find a way to cure their daughter. After weeks of searching, he finally found an answer: Princess Amara had to eat the Crackatook nut, which must be cracked by a man who had never shaved nor worn__** leather**__ boots..."_

* * *

**Better?**

"Much."

**Prima Donna.**

"I prefer 'legend' but 'stud' will do."

**Uh huh. I'm fastforwarding to where we were now.**

* * *

"Without looking, Remy gave Princess Amara the kernel, and started walking backwards. The moment Princess Amara swallowed, she became beautiful again. Unfortunately, on Remy's final step, he accidentally stepped on Mystique and stumbled. Immediately, the curse fell on him, turning him into a nutcracker doll," Hank said seriously. "Princess Amara refused to marry him, Prince John declared Remy to be the Prince of the Dolls, and he was banished from the kingdom."

* * *

"Good," said Remy. "I didn't want to marry you anyway."

"Nice to know," said Rogue.

"Yeah, I have better taste than to marry an Acolyte," said Amara.

"Aww, but Piotr's cute and sweet -" Kitty began.

"What about me?" asked Lance.

"You're not an Acolyte," Kitty pointed out.

"Yeah, I wouldn't want to marry any of the Brotherhood either," Amara said.

"Good," said Pietro. "You're an uppity brat and we wouldn't want to marry you, ever."

"She is not!" Jubilee objected. "If anyone's an uppity brat, it's you."

**Umm, let's move on, shall we?**

* * *

That night, after all the guests had departed and the household had gone to be, Marie made her way downstairs to the cabinet where the dolls were kept. Marie opened up the cabinet doors and was then distracted by the grandfather clock beginning to chime. She was normally quite used to hearing it ring, but on this occasion it caught her attention for the owl carved on the top of the clock seemed to take on the appearance of Hank, and it chimed one less the hour.

Marie was distracted by a yell from across the room:

"Nutcracker!" shouted Victor, the Mouse King, "I've come to get you!"

Gathering around Victor were a number of other mice; Lance, Pietro, Toad and Fred.

* * *

"Does anyone else think it's weird that there's a mouse named Toad?" asked Kitty.

"Does anyone else think it's weird that there's a mutant named Kitty?" Rogue asked with a grin.

"Point taken," Kitty replied, giggling.

* * *

Much to Marie's surprise, the next thing she heard was an answering call from the doll cabinet:

"Come and get me, you loud-mouth bag of bones!" Remy the nutcracker yelled back.

Marie stared as Remy and the dolls - Kitty, Jubilee, Tabitha and Piotr – all jumped out of the cabinet and stood to face the mice.

* * *

"Heh, boys against girls," said Lance.

"Excusez-moi?" Gambit said.

"You heard me."

"Yeah," Pietro added gleefully. "All dolls are girls, or boys with no parts. At least girl dolls have boobs."

"Interesting," said Wanda. "And how long have you been familiar with the anatomical correctness of dolls, Pietro?"

"Uhh..."

* * *

The dolls and the mice clashed. Fur flew everywhere. Hair was pulled. The only weapon amongst the dolls was Piotr's sword, whereas the mice had their teeth and claws, Victor's the most fearsome of them all.

Marie watched in horror as Victor backed Remy into a corner.

"Nowhere to go now, nutcracker," Victor taunted him.

"No!" Marie shouted, seeing Victor lunge towards Remy.

She slipped off her shoe and threw it across the room. The shoe hit Victor, knocking him away from Remy, and saving the nutcracker from the Mouse King's wrath.

Abruptly, the clock chimed the final time. Startled, Marie slipped backwards and hit her head on the cabinet.

* * *

"See that Lance?" Pietro said. "Gambit had to be rescued by a girl."

"That's what happens when you're a male doll," said Lance with a nod. "No balls."

"That's not the lesson you're supposed to learn from that scene," Gambit said determinedly.

"Oh yeah?" Pietro challenged him.

"Yeah. The real lesson is that you can beat Sabes with a shoe."

* * *

Naturally Ororo and Logan were quite concerned when they found Marie unconscious in the sitting room the next morning, and after she was checked out by the doctor –

* * *

"Alright," said Gambit. "Who's this doctor, and what's he think he's doing, checking out my girlfriend? I think we should sue for malpractice."

"Idiot," Rogue said.

**Ahem, as I was saying...**

* * *

- Marie was told to stay in bed for the day. She tried to tell them about the battle between the dolls and the mice, but everyone just figured it was the result of hitting her head.

On the bright side, Hank came over and repaired the nutcracker for her.

* * *

"It's nice to know I have my teeth back," said Gambit.

"Which raises a good question," said Rogue. "Shouldn't you have been lisping before?"

**I'm not rewinding the story again.**

* * *

That night, Victor came to Marie in her sleep and –

* * *

"You sick, sick man," Gambit said to Sabretooth.

"Like you can talk, Swamp Rat," Rogue said.

"Hey, when I visit you in your sleep it's –"

Logan growled at him.

* * *

That night, Victor came to Marie in her sleep and told her all about how he was going to kill the nutcracker and chop him up into toothpicks. Fearful for the nutcracker's life, Marie opened up the top drawer of her bedside table, revealing a half eaten box of chocolates.

"Please," she said, "take these. Just leave the nutcracker alone."

Unable to resist, Victor climbed down into the drawer to take the chocolates, but the moment he was inside, Marie slammed the drawer shut.

* * *

"Lesson number two," said Gambit. "Sabes has a sweet tooth."

"Yeah," said Sabretooth. "I like some dessert after my _gumbo_."

* * *

Marie ran down to the sitting room and threw open the doll cabinet, determined to save the nutcracker.

"I need a sword," said Remy when he came alive.

* * *

"See?" said Pietro. "Told you. Gambit doesn't have a _sword_."

Logan chuckled and Gambit glared at him.

* * *

"Here," said Piotr. "Take mine."

Piotr held out his sword and Remy took it gratefully.

* * *

"Huh," said Lance. "Pete has a detachable _sword_."

"Maybe it's a strap on," said Pietro.

Lance and Pietro snickered. Gambit and Piotr looked at each other.

"You know, mon ami," Gambit said to Piotr. "There was a time where we stuck fear into their little Brotherhood hearts."

"I think the thing to take note of here, is that there are three female dolls to two male dolls," Piotr replied mildly, "whereas the only female mouse to appear so far is the Queen, Mystique. Since Sabretooth is the King, and taking into account the breeding habits of mice, it's probably safe to say that the Brotherhood boys are Sabretooth and Mystique's offspring."

"Hmm," Gambit replied thoughtfully. "So what you're saying is that the Brotherhood boys are a bunch of mother-fu-"

* * *

"Curs!" Remy shouted at the mice, preparing to meet them in battle. "You and all your kin, Victor. What are you? Too cowardly to meet me in one-on-one combat?"

Victor, who had since escaped from Marie's trap, snarled at Remy.

"Cowardly? Me?" he demanded as he stepped forward from the line of mice. "You're the one who's needed a girl to come to his aid."

* * *

"He does make a good point," said Rogue.

"You volunteered," said Gambit. "It doesn't count. Besides, I wasn't there when he was in your bedroom."

* * *

The mouse and nutcracker ran towards each other. Claws and sword clashed. The mice shouted insults at the dolls. The dolls cheered the nutcracker on. Marie watched anxiously as Remy ducked and dodged, and Victor lashed out at the nutcracker.

Then at last, Remy found an opening. He dashed forward, plunging the sword into Victor's heart.

With the death of their leader, the rest of the mice ran away. The dolls cheered and decided that the best place to celebrate was the Land of the Dolls. Naturally, they invited Marie to join them.

* * *

"Sabretooth has a heart?" asked Rogue.

"Apparently," Gambit said.

* * *

Marie and the dolls travelled to the Land of the Dolls on the backs of swans. The palace was made of gingerbread and Marie could see all sorts of different sweets in every direction.

The dolls celebrated their victory with a grand ball, and Marie and Remy danced the night away.

* * *

"Aww," said Kitty. "Hey, can I add something?"

**I suppose so...**

* * *

Kitty danced with Piotr. Tabitha and Jubilee monopolised the company of two toy soldiers: Sam and Bobby.

* * *

"Two more neutered X-men," Pietro said, giving Lance a nudge.

"Hey!" Bobby objected.

"Ignore them," said Sam. "They're inbred."

* * *

When Marie woke up the next morning, she was back in her own room. She tried to tell her family of the Land of the Dolls, but they dismissed her story as nothing more than a dream.

One day, Marie sat in front of the doll cabinet, looking at the nutcracker.

"I wish you were real," she said. "If you were real, I promise I wouldn't treat you like Princess Amara did. I would love you no matter what you looked like."

* * *

"Aww, I love you too, chere," said Gambit.

"I should hope so after what we did last night," Rogue replied coyly.

"Shh," Gambit said as Logan growled. "Not in front of your father-figure."

* * *

There was a knock at the door and Marie got up to answer it. She opened the door to see Hank standing there with a boy just her age by his side. Marie was so taken with the boy's red and black eyes, that she almost didn't hear Hank's introduction:

"I'd like you to meet my nephew, Remy."

* * *

**The end.**

"Yay," Kitty said, clapping her hands. "The curse was broken."

"Well that was fun," said Rogue. "And not a tutu in sight."

"Yes," said Kitty. "I think in honour of the fact that this story got turned into a ballet, someone should dress up as the Sugar Plum Fairy and do a dance."

"I can think of two good candidates," Gambit said.

Everyone turned to look at Pietro and Lance.

"Umm," said Lance. "We're mice, remember?"

"Yeah," added Pietro. "Inbred, incestuous mice."

Everyone started closing in on them.

"Hey Lance?" said Pietro. "You're on your own, man."

Pietro took off like a shot, leaving Lance alone with the crowd.

"You can't make me wear a tutu!" Lance yelled, and bolted for the door, which had been left open in Pietro's wake.

Everyone looked out after Lance as he ran off and Wanda laughed.

"Well, that was easy," Wanda said. "So, I guess this is the part of the story where we wish all the readers a Merry Christmas?"

"Yeah," said Gambit. "Deadpool should be here. He loves breaking the fourth wall."

"Did someone call me?" asked Deadpool.

"Oui, I did," Gambit replied.

Deadpool looked Gambit over. "Sorry, you're not my type."

"Merry Christmas!" Everyone shouted.

"Happy Hanukkah," Kitty added pointedly.

**And a Happy New Year!**


End file.
